Lucky in love.

This is one of the hardest blogs to write so far… Writing it felt like looking in my largest hand bag for my lost keys; there seemed to be a lot of other things in that bag before I got to the bottom and found my keys. Just writing this has really exposed how vulnerable I feel.. but I really needed to write it.

The week before last my Mum asked if she thought I had such strong friendships because I had such a strong relationship with Ian, but I don’t think that’s the answer. It might be a part of the answer, but I’ve been thinking about this question ever since she asked me…

When Ian was dying and then died, I experienced a big shift in how I viewed my identity and I’m not just talking about the loss of my partner. It was a seismic shift in my view of the world and how I viewed myself in relation to my family and friends. I am an independent kind of gal..I went to boarding school at eleven. I then lived away from home when I went to uni and then I emigrated. I was used to doing things myself and actually, although only too happy to help other people , I didn’t like the vulnerability of being helped, except by Ian. I found it made me feel beholden to other people, which I look back now and wonder why, but my world had become this topsy turvy, confusing kind of place. Loss had picked me up, shaken me and turned me inside out. I was everywhere, but nowhere. I found out loss can equal lost. I felt at my most vulnerable. I looked inwards and I tried to find the pieces of me and put it them back where they belonged, but those pieces didn’t fit together anymore, pieces had gone missing and I felt incomplete and unsafe being me.

I think that when you have a partner who is your absolutely tip-top, go-to best friend it’s hard to fill that spot and no one will ever fill that exact same friendship shape. My reluctance to being vulnerable with other people seemed easier and it kept people at a distance and by doing that felt very alone and lonely. In my changed loss situation I worried that I wouldn’t be able to repay the kindnesses. So you can imagine that when I found myself in a situation that I felt like I was almost sinking under the weight of trying to be carer, two parents and trying to look after myself, it didn’t go too well at times and inevitably the lowest priority was myself. I honestly thought that this was the correct prioritisation…Well it’s ok sometimes to do it that way round, but honestly it’s one of the most important things that I’ve learnt in the last nine years, that looking after myself first is a priority, if you want to look after other people; Knowing that I was the lifeboat that was going to help my children to a better place, but equally knowing that the lifeboat honestly couldn’t make that journey only led to myself and everybody in that boat struggling to bail out the boat and keep it afloat instead of steering the boat to a safer place.

So sometimes that lifeboat has needed a bit caulking, some new paint and a few repairs to keep it seaworthy, especially when a storm had given it a battering. Sometimes the caulking and lick of paint came in forms of food, HSC tutoring, honest conversations, supportive messages, mechanical repairs, walks and coffee meetups. Asking for help, asking for company is incredibly hard for me I just felt and still feel the imbalance of my situation, I felt I was always accepting and never giving. It felt like such a shift in my world view, but it taught me something very important; friendship is a balance, but not always balanced in that moment. There will be times that being given help feels heavy. However life has a way of giving some unpleasant surprises and there will be a time when situations are reversed and it’ll be my turn to make a meal, suggest a walk, meet for coffee and sometimes, just sometimes repair a piece of clothing that brings a friend joy and me, that warmth of a mend that says I care and I will always be grateful for your help in stormy weather. It is the act of taking care of them and giving them something of my creative self, because friendship is a long term commitment and a good friend will understand that the balance isn’t always equal at any one time.

I know now that I never lost my identity I just forgot that I am the sum of my experience and that life is always a fluid experience of change and adaption. I’m not going to get too attached to my present identity, because I hope that I will be open to change and adaption and that means leaving the vulnerability door open; Because vulnerability introduces possibility and possibility is hopeful and uncertain, and key components of many things including adaption and friendships. Like all good habits I’ve learnt it takes some ongoing practice.

So it takes me right back to my Mum’s question…I think I do have such great friends because of my relationship with Ian, but it may not be because of the relationship I had, but more to do with the relationship I lost and learning that accepting help is just as important as giving help.

Thank you my friends.

I feel lucky in friendship love.